basilmemories: (They watched; like dirty carrion crows)
basilmemories ([personal profile] basilmemories) wrote2010-10-28 04:31 am

Gdi life

So yanno how yaoicon was supposed to be the big reward after scrimping and saving and giving up pretty much any form of funtime spending? I even managed to scrape enough together enough that I could pay for bart/other forms of public transportation because yet again I can't get a ride with anyone. I managed to get another job and elected to have it that my only "real" day off was Tuesday, the day I'd be recovering from the previous 12 hour shift at the gas station. I did all this so I could pay bills (and pay mom back after the con for the small loan I was going to take out), and pay back what I owed. For the past few weeks I have been a responsible, exhausted adult.

And then Tuesday I got hit by a car. Since I'm typing this you can pretty much guess that I'm alive, but my ankle is sprained like hell and I have no idea if I'll be able to walk on it before the con happens. I have about... a day (or a bit more, if I head in late friday night) for it to be functional enough for me not to attempt a con on crutches. If it doesn't happen I'll seriously be upset, but what's more is that now mom's actively telling me that I can't go. why? because she might lose her job now and she owes the IRS 400$.

Yeah, that's right. The woman who's had issues with my mom for awhile now is going to have the big meeting about it on Friday. She docked mom on even the little shit that wasn't her fault and has been gunning for her since the last incident that even Fucking Wasn't Her Fault. Oh, have I mentioned that mom has an ear infection still and is drinking more because of the sheer job stress? Yeah, it's like that. So now I'm a dick if I head off to the con before I know if mom's still employed, but otherwise I'm screwed out of anything resembling a pat on the back for myself for actually being a somewhat less worthless part of society.

And if she does get laid off, then what? I don't make enough to pay the rent and bills, I certainly don't have enough to pay the medical bills for mom, and I don't have enough to pay the hospital bill if I can't get the insurance to pay up. What the hell is this karmic reward? "congrats for finally getting your priorities in check, have some disaster!" What's the point of taking care of myself if I can't go anyway? I'd rather take longer to heal and enjoy myself instead of being bedridden alone all day.

yes that's right. I've been taking care of myself as much as I'm able to without being able to walk properly. This means one meal a day because of the effort that goes into cooking on one leg, not being able to go down the stairs or on long walks to the store, crawling everywhere in the house, and oh yeah living on what we've got. See mom hasn't done the laundry yet and she forgets to get the supplies that we need/cheap food for the long term.

So the big question now is, "Why the fuck bother?" Why even go through all this work if things turn out for the worst? Why should I even try to get better if the result's going to be the same? I don't want to say that I feel like crying, because it's not this deep-seated depression or anything, but if I could be crying tears of frustration and not look like a pussy, I'd so be doing it.

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