basilmemories (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
basilmemories) wrote2005-01-12 06:02 am
basilmemories) wrote2005-01-12 06:02 am
*sigh* slightly depressing post. one might not want to read this.
Note: for those coming here for the W:TA game, I have LJ-hidden the rest of the post below, it gets rather personal and I do not want to trouble you with that.
As for my friends though, please do read, it will explain most of the reasons I have been even more sharp-tongued and self-depreciating recently.
Two days, two days until the "no hassle" company Capital one tries to remove two-hundred, eighty-eight dollars and seventy-seven cents from my account, and will not find it there. This is not for lack of trying on my part; lord knows that I have tried to gain a loan- the rejection notices are still flooding into my mailbox. I figured as much from the start, but hey, it never hurts to try right?
I think what is the most depressing though, is the reaction from friends. It varies from "wow that sucks" to "sure I’ll help!" which is a part I’ll get to in a moment.
On the basic "yep, welcome to the real world." sort of answers, I _know_ that the few friends I have cultivated tend to be cynical, sarcastic, and notoriously harsh, but I have seen them be so utterly caring to others they know. And even though I am naturally bitter, I hope I have been as equally sensitive to their needs. It makes me wonder then, why I receive such treatment as previously mentioned. I cannot help but feel abused, however the part of me that tends to be right is leaning towards the possibility that I have not shown those I care about the kindness that I should… or most likely; I don’t count as a ‘friend’ to them.
…and the great whomever knows that I have few appetizing qualities, if any. (That by the way is not a ploy for sympathy, just stating a matter of fact.)
The other matter that comes up is the one person who claimed to be able to help. When she said those words I was touched more deeply then I have been in years. I thought of all the people who had brushed my concerns aside or insulted me for even asking for help, and how she was there for me. Sadly though, good intentions and promises are one thing, but reality is quite another.
The first warning I had of any trouble (besides my mother saying in a soft voice “you know her, she means well but…”) was around the holidays when she said would not be able to loan me the “few hundred” and that she couldn’t get the phone she wanted because of the hundred she was going to loan me. I felt (and to some extent still feel) let down by this, it seems that my problems rank below an inanimate object. That cynical part of me keeps saying that considering the way I act, I really shouldn’t be surprised by this.
As things went further along however, the money pledged (and her willingness to aid me) became less, even to the point where I am almost sure I will see none from either area. Once again she placed another friends’ concerns above my own, even though he in much more of a better situation then I am. Eventually after explaining what would occur without her support, she has tried, to locate some funds (to replace those she had loaned out to the said friend, who had come to her after my problem started). But with two days remaining she has given up hope on the matter, quite possibly ignoring my suggestions I have made in the process.
I _want_ to raise my voice to her, ask her to remember all the times I went to great lengths to assist her, and how I would give my all until the very last minute of the deadline, ask her that even if only once haven’t I earned the same from her? I know however that is futile. The fact that I want to do such a thing is a testimony to the reason why she does not do so _and_ my true immaturity.
I want to say I am hurt by the actions of those close to me, I want to take each one aside and let them know exactly how I feel about their views of the incidents that go on in my life, but I most certainly will not. They have a reason as to why they feel as they do towards me, and if I gave them a three-hour whine fest, I do not think that will help.
So, all I can do really is wait, and hope that by some miracle that someone gives me a hundred-dollar tip at the flower shop before Saturday.
As for my friends though, please do read, it will explain most of the reasons I have been even more sharp-tongued and self-depreciating recently.
Two days, two days until the "no hassle" company Capital one tries to remove two-hundred, eighty-eight dollars and seventy-seven cents from my account, and will not find it there. This is not for lack of trying on my part; lord knows that I have tried to gain a loan- the rejection notices are still flooding into my mailbox. I figured as much from the start, but hey, it never hurts to try right?
I think what is the most depressing though, is the reaction from friends. It varies from "wow that sucks" to "sure I’ll help!" which is a part I’ll get to in a moment.
On the basic "yep, welcome to the real world." sort of answers, I _know_ that the few friends I have cultivated tend to be cynical, sarcastic, and notoriously harsh, but I have seen them be so utterly caring to others they know. And even though I am naturally bitter, I hope I have been as equally sensitive to their needs. It makes me wonder then, why I receive such treatment as previously mentioned. I cannot help but feel abused, however the part of me that tends to be right is leaning towards the possibility that I have not shown those I care about the kindness that I should… or most likely; I don’t count as a ‘friend’ to them.
…and the great whomever knows that I have few appetizing qualities, if any. (That by the way is not a ploy for sympathy, just stating a matter of fact.)
The other matter that comes up is the one person who claimed to be able to help. When she said those words I was touched more deeply then I have been in years. I thought of all the people who had brushed my concerns aside or insulted me for even asking for help, and how she was there for me. Sadly though, good intentions and promises are one thing, but reality is quite another.
The first warning I had of any trouble (besides my mother saying in a soft voice “you know her, she means well but…”) was around the holidays when she said would not be able to loan me the “few hundred” and that she couldn’t get the phone she wanted because of the hundred she was going to loan me. I felt (and to some extent still feel) let down by this, it seems that my problems rank below an inanimate object. That cynical part of me keeps saying that considering the way I act, I really shouldn’t be surprised by this.
As things went further along however, the money pledged (and her willingness to aid me) became less, even to the point where I am almost sure I will see none from either area. Once again she placed another friends’ concerns above my own, even though he in much more of a better situation then I am. Eventually after explaining what would occur without her support, she has tried, to locate some funds (to replace those she had loaned out to the said friend, who had come to her after my problem started). But with two days remaining she has given up hope on the matter, quite possibly ignoring my suggestions I have made in the process.
I _want_ to raise my voice to her, ask her to remember all the times I went to great lengths to assist her, and how I would give my all until the very last minute of the deadline, ask her that even if only once haven’t I earned the same from her? I know however that is futile. The fact that I want to do such a thing is a testimony to the reason why she does not do so _and_ my true immaturity.
I want to say I am hurt by the actions of those close to me, I want to take each one aside and let them know exactly how I feel about their views of the incidents that go on in my life, but I most certainly will not. They have a reason as to why they feel as they do towards me, and if I gave them a three-hour whine fest, I do not think that will help.
So, all I can do really is wait, and hope that by some miracle that someone gives me a hundred-dollar tip at the flower shop before Saturday.