basilmemories (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
basilmemories) wrote2006-11-13 02:17 am
basilmemories) wrote2006-11-13 02:17 am
Annnd the Dr. who thing from last post reached a head.
So today wasn’t the best day ever; and by that I mean I was just informed by my dear mother that I was lying and using a possible diagnosis to undermine the family… all two of us.
This was after a day that started with me being almost late because two mothers couldn’t keep their children from crawling over the table at Applebee’s, meaning the server that we both shared didn’t get to me until much later then I had allotted for. Since their order was huge, it took forever for my meal to arrive, (it doesn’t take that long for a rare steak to come; I know this, I dine there when I have money) and thus I didn’t as much get to eat the meal as shove it into the carrying case and run to work.
Since I had been deprived of my meal time off the clock, I took my break early that day, aware that it was going to busy. It was; so busy that I worked a five-and-a-half hour shift at the front counter without being able to go into the back for even a second (to get a drink). Now if this were any other job that would be annoying; when it’s with a bunch of brat kids and their equally spoiled parents it was tantamount to mental suicide.
For those that don’t know of a small condition that I have, should I get overwhelmed by things (or sometimes if I’m tired or for no reason at all) I tend to break away from reality, which means I lose track of my senses. As much as I hate the thought of not feeling or experiencing anything, in recent months I have come to see this as the self-defense mechanism that it really is.
It’s also the first time I’ve really said anything about it in a public post. It took a lot to get that out; don’t you feel so special now? Yeah I didn’t think so.
In any case, Raptor saw that I was on full auto-pilot (which in this case meant that only my vision had started to go and I was finding it hard to talk.) and told me to get some fresh air and then go into the office for ten minutes. He didn’t come to tell me that I was needed out there for about thirty by my calculations, bless him. In that time the following conversation occurred:
Brain: you need to blank out now.
Me: oh fuck NO. No tri-colored clouds and losing sensation in my body thanks.
Brain: ok. Here’s a question, remember when you passed out and hit your head a month ago or so?
Me: yeah.
Brain: now did that hurt any? Were you able to tell that you were passed out with your eyes open?
Me: no…
Brain: but you were, and you didn’t seem to mind that much; now as we have previously determined you do come out of these bits, depending on what proper stimulus is needed, so it’s not like that oblivion thing you seem to be worried about. Knowing this, can’t you just think about it like that and just lie here and regenerate your sanity?
Me: But I feel like I’m going insane when that happens!
Brain: what’s better? Going insane in a loud, public way that gets you locked up, or going insane in a way that wears off in awhile?
Me: that doesn’t make any-
Brain: shut up and watch the pretty clouds.
Me: ‘kay; too tired to argue.
Because I was, and the stress had frankly, sapped my energy to be anxious. To be honest it was one of the most peaceful bouts of that I’ve ever had.
But after that I seemed to be fine really; high-pitched noises were too piercing for me to stand and some lights seemed too bright, but I made it through the cleanup (as the kids were almost gone, he closed the counter early so we could clean) in one piece and got a ride home in a nice dark car with low voices and the assurance that I didn’t have to deal with anime on Monday night. I need to detox that night so I can see Ryuu the next day… also to burn things for her. I had to get some groceries from the store but that was fine considering it didn’t take too long.
When I got home was another matter Now I told mom what had happened, and her main line of questioning was “but are you fired? Will this get you fired?”. Thanks mom, for your utter care about my phychological state, I can feel the warmth of your love, it’s like the worlds’ smallest ember. /bitter
But next was time for holiday movies such as “the grinch that stole christmas” now I know it’s on only once a year, but that’s what rental stores are for. Right then I was trying to avoid a relapse, so listening to anything other then the keys of my keyboard would have been a bad idea, the thought of loud high-pitched whovillians was not a good one, but hey I’m up for compromise, “give me about one- well three or five minutes okay?” Worst thing to say ever. I should have just gone in and let myself phase out, at least if mom saw that she might think I wasn’t just making the whole thing up.
But I didn’t, and if I hadn’t confided in mom about what I was researcing online, i might have gotten off with a ‘mere’ repeat of last night. Instead I was told that I was inventing things so that I could ‘do whatever I wanted’.
You see; about a few weeks ago a person asked me, in a rather blunt way, “god; are you an aspie?” to which my first thought was, “someone from aspin? No.” Instead the person had assumed that for whatever reason I had Asperger’s syndrome. While I’m pretty sure they were saying it in a less-then-nice way, it did lead me to researching it… and amusing myself with the house wank link off of someone’s blog.
Now I have to say, when something just feels right I tend to go with it, and frankly; nearly every fucking thing they mentioned just hit home. Moreover I was concerned that I was making like a hypochondriac and giving myself an excuse to be anything other then anti-social. The tests I jokingly took in the first place all came up with high scores, and so on and so forth. However I still don’t have anything said by a head-shrinker that would give me a definite yea or nay, but I’m also afraid that by knowing the signs that I may unconsciously emulate them in hopes for a diagnosis. So should I find funding or a care provider, I’m going to bring that point up as well, I want an honest diagnosis damnit.
Now before I sat down to write this post I had told all of two people about this, one was Black_magician, and the other was mom. The former I could trust without fear of being mocked for what might seem like me jumping off the handle, and she’s heard me speculate on what I might or might not have before, so if anything it’s not news to her. The latter I was wary of, but decided to trust since she knew about my other problem (even if she only half-believed it). Plus it’s mom, if I was dead serious about what I thought (like I was in telling her), she’d believe me right?
Well at first she sounded like it, but as things went on it became very clear that she didn’t even consider what I was speculating was valid. By the time things were to the point with the Grinch wank, she was all over that subject; saying things along the lines of “you need to make compromises, you can’t do just what you want; you can’t be in your own little world like you seem to be.” Exc exc. And also saying that I shouldn’t be going to cons and seeing friends and working if I had those problems because of the ‘humanity’ aspect.
First of all, let me state that I do make an effort to compromise. Do I give as much as I should? Nope, and I see that I need to work on that. But consider this: if I did as I wanted to I wouldn’t go to work, I wouldn’t pay my mother anything, I wouldn’t leave my room unless I wanted to go for a wander, I wouldn’t try to be sympathetic when I have no idea what to say or how to say it, I would yell out my true feelings at everyone I met instead of forcing myself to try to be polite, I wouldn’t swallow my feelings and go through the crowd of people that I don’t want to be near just so I could get to work on time, I would have told my teachers from third grade to twelve to fuck off (some I did, honestly), I wouldn’t even try to budget my money, and most of all; I wouldn’t make the attempt to do things for friends that inconvenience me.
But I do. Why? Because that’s what people do who are a part of society, and that’s what people do when you’re close to someone. Almost all of those things I had to get over at some point, or are still getting over, and to say that I don’t make an effort is a complete load of bull. Are they big things to get over? In some cases yes, mostly no. just because I may (or may not) have something that stunts me socially does not give me a free pass to ignore what makes a lot of people work. In a way am I glad that I never heard about this before now? Yes, in some cases I wouldn’t have wanted to be coddled like that, I fully agree to take some lumps if I learn from it, but in other ways… agh.
Yeah, that’s how best to sum up my feelings about this entire matter, it can’t be said in any other way then a frustrated, disgruntled, guttural-sounding noise.
But why am I admitting this all in a place like a public post?
First of all; nobody reads this thing unless I mention porn, so I’m fairly sure this is going to go unnoticed. Secondly; I’m just plain tired of this shit, it’s been three days of emotional waste building up and if I don’t shout something about this at my ranting wall, I’m not going to be in a good mood when I see Ryuu, and she hasn’t done anything to even remotely deserve Emotionalwreck!Basil.
So to sum up; I’d ask Ryuu for cuddles, but I’m pretty sure her woman don’ want no skank ho touchin’ her. However porn mocking will more then do to make up for it.
This was after a day that started with me being almost late because two mothers couldn’t keep their children from crawling over the table at Applebee’s, meaning the server that we both shared didn’t get to me until much later then I had allotted for. Since their order was huge, it took forever for my meal to arrive, (it doesn’t take that long for a rare steak to come; I know this, I dine there when I have money) and thus I didn’t as much get to eat the meal as shove it into the carrying case and run to work.
Since I had been deprived of my meal time off the clock, I took my break early that day, aware that it was going to busy. It was; so busy that I worked a five-and-a-half hour shift at the front counter without being able to go into the back for even a second (to get a drink). Now if this were any other job that would be annoying; when it’s with a bunch of brat kids and their equally spoiled parents it was tantamount to mental suicide.
For those that don’t know of a small condition that I have, should I get overwhelmed by things (or sometimes if I’m tired or for no reason at all) I tend to break away from reality, which means I lose track of my senses. As much as I hate the thought of not feeling or experiencing anything, in recent months I have come to see this as the self-defense mechanism that it really is.
It’s also the first time I’ve really said anything about it in a public post. It took a lot to get that out; don’t you feel so special now? Yeah I didn’t think so.
In any case, Raptor saw that I was on full auto-pilot (which in this case meant that only my vision had started to go and I was finding it hard to talk.) and told me to get some fresh air and then go into the office for ten minutes. He didn’t come to tell me that I was needed out there for about thirty by my calculations, bless him. In that time the following conversation occurred:
Brain: you need to blank out now.
Me: oh fuck NO. No tri-colored clouds and losing sensation in my body thanks.
Brain: ok. Here’s a question, remember when you passed out and hit your head a month ago or so?
Me: yeah.
Brain: now did that hurt any? Were you able to tell that you were passed out with your eyes open?
Me: no…
Brain: but you were, and you didn’t seem to mind that much; now as we have previously determined you do come out of these bits, depending on what proper stimulus is needed, so it’s not like that oblivion thing you seem to be worried about. Knowing this, can’t you just think about it like that and just lie here and regenerate your sanity?
Me: But I feel like I’m going insane when that happens!
Brain: what’s better? Going insane in a loud, public way that gets you locked up, or going insane in a way that wears off in awhile?
Me: that doesn’t make any-
Brain: shut up and watch the pretty clouds.
Me: ‘kay; too tired to argue.
Because I was, and the stress had frankly, sapped my energy to be anxious. To be honest it was one of the most peaceful bouts of that I’ve ever had.
But after that I seemed to be fine really; high-pitched noises were too piercing for me to stand and some lights seemed too bright, but I made it through the cleanup (as the kids were almost gone, he closed the counter early so we could clean) in one piece and got a ride home in a nice dark car with low voices and the assurance that I didn’t have to deal with anime on Monday night. I need to detox that night so I can see Ryuu the next day… also to burn things for her. I had to get some groceries from the store but that was fine considering it didn’t take too long.
When I got home was another matter Now I told mom what had happened, and her main line of questioning was “but are you fired? Will this get you fired?”. Thanks mom, for your utter care about my phychological state, I can feel the warmth of your love, it’s like the worlds’ smallest ember. /bitter
But next was time for holiday movies such as “the grinch that stole christmas” now I know it’s on only once a year, but that’s what rental stores are for. Right then I was trying to avoid a relapse, so listening to anything other then the keys of my keyboard would have been a bad idea, the thought of loud high-pitched whovillians was not a good one, but hey I’m up for compromise, “give me about one- well three or five minutes okay?” Worst thing to say ever. I should have just gone in and let myself phase out, at least if mom saw that she might think I wasn’t just making the whole thing up.
But I didn’t, and if I hadn’t confided in mom about what I was researcing online, i might have gotten off with a ‘mere’ repeat of last night. Instead I was told that I was inventing things so that I could ‘do whatever I wanted’.
You see; about a few weeks ago a person asked me, in a rather blunt way, “god; are you an aspie?” to which my first thought was, “someone from aspin? No.” Instead the person had assumed that for whatever reason I had Asperger’s syndrome. While I’m pretty sure they were saying it in a less-then-nice way, it did lead me to researching it… and amusing myself with the house wank link off of someone’s blog.
Now I have to say, when something just feels right I tend to go with it, and frankly; nearly every fucking thing they mentioned just hit home. Moreover I was concerned that I was making like a hypochondriac and giving myself an excuse to be anything other then anti-social. The tests I jokingly took in the first place all came up with high scores, and so on and so forth. However I still don’t have anything said by a head-shrinker that would give me a definite yea or nay, but I’m also afraid that by knowing the signs that I may unconsciously emulate them in hopes for a diagnosis. So should I find funding or a care provider, I’m going to bring that point up as well, I want an honest diagnosis damnit.
Now before I sat down to write this post I had told all of two people about this, one was Black_magician, and the other was mom. The former I could trust without fear of being mocked for what might seem like me jumping off the handle, and she’s heard me speculate on what I might or might not have before, so if anything it’s not news to her. The latter I was wary of, but decided to trust since she knew about my other problem (even if she only half-believed it). Plus it’s mom, if I was dead serious about what I thought (like I was in telling her), she’d believe me right?
Well at first she sounded like it, but as things went on it became very clear that she didn’t even consider what I was speculating was valid. By the time things were to the point with the Grinch wank, she was all over that subject; saying things along the lines of “you need to make compromises, you can’t do just what you want; you can’t be in your own little world like you seem to be.” Exc exc. And also saying that I shouldn’t be going to cons and seeing friends and working if I had those problems because of the ‘humanity’ aspect.
First of all, let me state that I do make an effort to compromise. Do I give as much as I should? Nope, and I see that I need to work on that. But consider this: if I did as I wanted to I wouldn’t go to work, I wouldn’t pay my mother anything, I wouldn’t leave my room unless I wanted to go for a wander, I wouldn’t try to be sympathetic when I have no idea what to say or how to say it, I would yell out my true feelings at everyone I met instead of forcing myself to try to be polite, I wouldn’t swallow my feelings and go through the crowd of people that I don’t want to be near just so I could get to work on time, I would have told my teachers from third grade to twelve to fuck off (some I did, honestly), I wouldn’t even try to budget my money, and most of all; I wouldn’t make the attempt to do things for friends that inconvenience me.
But I do. Why? Because that’s what people do who are a part of society, and that’s what people do when you’re close to someone. Almost all of those things I had to get over at some point, or are still getting over, and to say that I don’t make an effort is a complete load of bull. Are they big things to get over? In some cases yes, mostly no. just because I may (or may not) have something that stunts me socially does not give me a free pass to ignore what makes a lot of people work. In a way am I glad that I never heard about this before now? Yes, in some cases I wouldn’t have wanted to be coddled like that, I fully agree to take some lumps if I learn from it, but in other ways… agh.
Yeah, that’s how best to sum up my feelings about this entire matter, it can’t be said in any other way then a frustrated, disgruntled, guttural-sounding noise.
But why am I admitting this all in a place like a public post?
First of all; nobody reads this thing unless I mention porn, so I’m fairly sure this is going to go unnoticed. Secondly; I’m just plain tired of this shit, it’s been three days of emotional waste building up and if I don’t shout something about this at my ranting wall, I’m not going to be in a good mood when I see Ryuu, and she hasn’t done anything to even remotely deserve Emotionalwreck!Basil.
So to sum up; I’d ask Ryuu for cuddles, but I’m pretty sure her woman don’ want no skank ho touchin’ her. However porn mocking will more then do to make up for it.
no subject
yay love. (except that I feel like an attention whore for posting this. AS, the new cutting post?)
no subject
(XD)
You'll probably get my longer reply tomorrow--I'm far too sleepy to be serious tonight, and tomorrow I'll have the computer to myself.